The rewards

Today I participated in a 5-K race (let's be honest here, a walk) and I woke up this morning thinking about it. "No big deal" I thought, it's just a bit over three miles. I got to the park where the race was to take place and as I was being directed to park my eyes filled with tears. I'm so grateful that I am no longer carrying around all that weight. One year ago I could barely make it up a flight of stairs, today I will go home with a teeshirt and medal. Stacie and Connie met me there and we talked, took pictures, and felt the commaraderie of being with others who have gone through a similar experience. We were near the last of those to finish, but we felt great. We accomplished something that is new ground for us, and it felt good!
On the drive home I thought about how, when you meet a goal, it gives you the incentive to want to set other goals and meet them. It gives you hope. Hope is something that was in short supply when I was overweight. I was certain that I would never be able to jump that hurdle, having tried so many times before. Today I feel a bit more hopeful that I can do anything I set my mind to do, and it feels really really good.

One more reason

Today I had the pleasure of watching my ten year old grandson perform in his fourth grade musical. It felt surreal. I was wiping away tears of utter joy and enjoying the feeling that one can only feel when you are a grandmother, when I suddenly realized: This is one of the reasons I am taking care of my health. For this. For many more. To see him grow up, to see him get married, to see his children if possible. I want to be around for a while, I want to be with my children and celebrate their accomplishments, their families.

It's worth putting down the fork. It is.

Anything but that!

Oh my gawd! Lisa Marie Presley is now suing a newspaper in London for printing the most degrading, horrifying, slanderous lies ever-that she's gaining weight!!!!!! Oh no! Yes, folks it's the worst thing a person could ever say about another, and now she has hired a legal firm to go after the London Daily Mail to make them take it back.

What has the world come to when governors can pay five grand a night ( and by the way, what in God's name is this chick doing for him that would ever amount to five grand?) and the Daily Mail can go just go about willy nilly spreading viscious lies about someone like that?

Okay, here is a Kodak moment I will never forget. The year is 1989. I am sitting in my car in a parking lot waiting for a friend to come back out. The summer wind is balmy and my car windows are rolled down. I'm feeling peaceful, feeling good, when all of a sudden the kids in the car next to me lean out and yell at the top of their lungs "Hey lady, YOU'RE FAT!!!!!" I looked at them and calmly said "You think so?" and they just howled with laughter, heads thrown back and chuckles all about "Uh, YEAH!". Much hillarity ensued-in their vehicle.
My vehicle was too full of sadness and remorse to contain any hillarity.
Yep, fat hurts us. It gives people permission to berate us because there is no way to hide it.

But hire an attorney? How about use that money and pay a personal trainer yo?

Lisa Marie it turns out is pregnant, not fat. She will prevail no doubt and try to teach those paparazzi some manners. They will just run along and look for another fallen star.

We have to be our own fairy god mothers and make good things happen in our own lives. Piss on whomever is calling us fat. They are lacking a compassion that sometimes is only born out of one's own personal suffering. Karma is a nasty boomerang, God help them.

Anxiety and Eating Disorders

I just heard a really interesting fact: young girls who have problems with anxiety are twice as likely to have an eating disorder when they grow up.
I have been anxious my entire life, and each time I have tried medication for it, I've gained weight. So I control my anxiety the best I can and I have a prescription for an as needed medication when I feel a panic attack. Luckily for me I haven't had a terrible time with it. I have gone to the emergency room on two occasions, certain that I was in the midst of a heart attack and moments away from death. After thousands of dollars worth of testing, I am informed that I have anxiety. And, P.S. I'm addicted to food.
Food is a comfort, no doubt and I needed comfort as a kid growing up in a family that was less than safe. My parents, God love them, did the best they could and I do not engage in opening old wounds. But suffice it to say that I was an axious kid, and continue to struggle with my anxiety.
The factual link from anxiety to adult eating disorders is an interesting one, but honestly, if I could placate my anxieties with some tool or gadget, I would have done it by now. I've been in therapy more than once, which did help immensely.
One of the best things for me is to let go. Let go of thinking that I am in charge of protecting my entire family and all of my friends from lurking unseen danger. Let go of the "what if's" and let go of trying to control what does or does not happen to me. If I can get into that space where I truly believe that everything is divine chaos, and that life unfolds just as it should, then I can take a deep breath and relax a bit. A bit.
I aspire to find comfort in other things besides a piece of melting dark chocolate on my tongue. I would like to find comfort in the whiff of lilacs, or the feel of a velvet blanket next to my cheek.
There are no excuses about being fat, no one made me fat, only me. But it does help to have some insight. It helps to understand that when I was making chocolate pudding on the stove when I was ten years old, it wasn't just because I liked it. I was because it made me feel less anxious.
I know part of my journey is to connect more to God, or a higher power, or Mother Earth, or the Collective Unconscious-WHAT EVER- and to seek peace. I do believe that if I fill myself more with peace, there won't be as much room for anxiety.
I'm hoping also that I've created a relationship with my own children that is safe for them, and by doing so I honor that part of me that wished for safety as a child and never quite found it. I think we can heal a bit; almost vicariously when we nurture our children or our partners in ways that we never were allowed. It feels good and somehow that loving energy is relayed back to us.
Peace to all who read this.

To Maslow with love

Twice today at work in two separate conversations I was reminded of the fact that someone does not approve of me. The details of these comments are really not worth highlighting. What facinates me is my reaction to them. I ate more than I should have today, and I think there is a correlation.
I want to be at that really nice level of Maslow's self actualization chart where I feel completely at peace, all my needs are met and I don't require the approval of others. Until that happens, I need to figure out why I give two shits if people don't always like me. Alas, I am the type that ruminates over this stuff, pondering what mistakes I have made, how I could have done better, what flaws I have that need improvement. I talk a good confident game on game day, but inside I am a paper tiger.
I think a lot of people who are overweight have an overweening need for approval from others. I hate it. The need to please is deeply rooted in family structures I think. Perhaps even what sign you were born under. Bla Bla Bla, the bottom line is this: Can I learn to value myself enough, and know deep down to my core, that I am worthy no matter what anyone else says about me? I think I can. I think I want to.
One time I had a patient ask me "Why are all nurses fat? You're fat, the nurse that was on this morning was fat and all the nurses are fat!" I think the real reason is that many nurses go into the healthcare field out of some inner desire to be caretakers, when we really should be learning to take care of ourselves.
By the way, I told my patient that being fat was a requirement to work on that medical unit at the hospital. He bought it!
I'm declaring a moratoreum on ass kissing. I'm owning my wonderfulness and in the face of critisism I will own what I should, and nothing more. I will nip the ruminating in the bud and instead remind myself of all of the many good qualities I have.
I like the Woody Guthrie quote: Take it easy, but take it!

Courage

"Courage comes and goes. Hold on for the next supply". Thomas Merton

Today I didn't feel courageous. I felt a little lost, a little off, a little like an insignificant drop in the ocean. I went through my day just putting one foot in front of the other, making an attempt to do my job to the best of my ability. But the underlying feeling was that I just don't make a difference to anyone or anything. I haven't published, I'm no one's sweetheart, and I work all day and fall into bed at night with mundane thoughts spinning in my head.

Then a client emailed me and told me that something I said made a huge difference to him, and allowed him to make changes in his life that have been really positive. That made me feel good.

So maybe courage is just attempting to make a difference, even if you don't know if you ever hit the mark. Maybe it's shutting off the alarm when all you really want to do is roll over and sleep. Maybe it's being a little bit kinder to the bagger at the grocery store, or smiling at the bank teller who looks like she could use one. Maybe it's saying no to the donut that is winking at you on the counter, and saying yes to good health and long life.

I'm not famous and I'm nobody's sweetheart, but I do believe that when we feel like we have lost our courage, if we just hold on, more will come.

Step away from the refrigerator

That's it in a nutshell. I just need to step away and do something different. I tried a new tea today and it's fabulous: Tahitian Vanilla Hazelnut made by Yogi Tea. It needs a little Splenda, but there is nothing but herbs in it, but it is heavenly!

It's all about creating new patterns, finding new ways to find comfort, and making friends with exercise. Change is possible and I am embracing it to the best of my ability.

I'm trying, I'm really trying.

Dig this!

I love the quote:

"Don't dig your grave with your knife and your fork" It's something that you understand the minute you read it. We are all digging, but what are we digging? If we can change our behavior and change our eating habits perhaps we can dig down deep and unearth some hidden treasure in ourselves that we never knew exsisted. I would like to think that there is some hidden parts of myself that I haven't yet navigated to. Places of creativity, or places of wonder.

It's all about choices, all about believing that there is something better still to come, that makes the sacrifices worth it.

I want to stay on the planet a good while longer to be with my children and my grandchildren. I want to watch them grow, and be a participant in their lives, not an observer. I want to think that somehow I have more to contribute before I go, but what that is, I just don't know.

But for now, I keep on, toward the goal of being present in this life, making good choices, and remaining aware.

I'm digging down deep and hoping to unearth something new, how about you?

What, me worry?

Yes well, there was much discussion tonight in my weight loss support group about the fear of gaining the weight back once we've lost it. Most of us have lost weight many times, and gained it back again. Like smokers, or people prone to substance abuse, we all have our demons to wrestle. We all agreed that it takes more than changing our behaviors to make a lasting change., yet each of us admits that we aren't sure what it means for us. Here is a wonderful quote I found:


“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
August Wilson quotes (American Writer, 1945-2005)

I know I am not alone when I say I can look back at my life and see a trail of dark challenges that I somehow managed to work through. I am proud of myself, and grateful to God and my friends and family, for having made it through some very difficult and dark days. Hell, years. So I think it's worth taking stock and realizing that we have survived some tough times, and we made it! We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and if we remember that, we can forge ahead with passion and committment on this weight loss journey. It's one day at a time, and each day gets us closer to the goal.

I want to take that quote and try to use it in the coming week. I will meditate on forgiveness. Many fat people are walking wounded. We have hurts that we have never spoken of, and hurts too crushing to remember. I will see what surfaces in my thoughts and dreams, and I will forgive. I will also try to forgive myself for not making my health a priority sooner, for not caring enough about myself to commit to permanent change. This illumination can only help to clear the underbrush on the path to our own personal enlightenment.

Who do you need to forgive? Is there pain in your past or present that you can shine the light on and let go of?

Dont forget the mantra: Hell yes we can!

If Helen Keller were only here . . .

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

Today I was standing in the lobby of a professional building with a client and his three year old daughter. She was very busy opening and closing doors and I tried not to interfere but was anxiously watching her as she continued to open and close very heavy doors. As we were talking we heard a yelp and when we looked she was hunched over holding her fingers and sobbing. Her father picked her up and instead of comforting her, barked "What did I tell you? I said if you keep opening that door one of these times it's going to bite you, and it did didn't it?"
Now don't even get me started about the way he handled this incident, you don't want to hear the rant, trust me. (nothing was fractured so I didn't have to go ape shit crazy on the guy).
But the idea stuck with me today, that we often keep opening doors in our lives that are shut. We open them again, certain that this time there will be something new and different, and it never is. Doors shut for a reason. Things change, relationships change, people change. Perhaps it is time to look at my life and see what's biting me, and why I continue to open these same doors.
How does this relate to weight loss? I think it relates to finding comfort, and peace, contentment in our lives. It means surrounding yourself with people who affirm you, support you and will be a soft place to fall when life gets wobbly. It means finding meaningful work that doesn't drain your soul. It means being God to yourself in the deepest possible way.
I know this isn't a snarky, pithy or humor-filled post today. I guess I am feeling reflective. I want to have less stress in my life, and more fun. I want more peace and less conflict. I want to love myself enough to embrace my imperfections and still look in the mirror every day and see a miracle.
I want to be more aware of doors that I stand outside pounding on, that perhaps, are never meant to open. I want to accept that, and keep moving on with confidence that every single step is the right one, and the doors will open when they are meant to.
What doors are you opening? Pounding on? What's biting you?