Father's Day- Is Memory Lane really a cul de sac?

My dad never liked me. That's it, and there are no amount of "Oh gosh, that just isn't so!" remarks that can change it. For what ever reasons I had a father who did not like me and wasn't able to be a father to me in ways that I longed for. He did provide for our family to the best of his ability, and God knows that was difficult with six children, but the thing I have learned from my failed relationship with my father is how much we all long for the love and approval from those who call us into this world, no matter how old we get.
My dad worked crappy jobs, dirty difficult demeaning jobs for years on end in order to meet his financial committments. He saved money and paid his bills. He was financially frugal and those were admirable qualities.
But what I longed for, and actually begged him for even into my late adult years, was just his acceptance, his approval, his presence in my life. It never came.
My dad died the most horrible death that I have ever witnessed, and I have witnessed many many deaths. As we all stood around his bedside for hours I helped care for him along with my siblings. It pained me to see him suffering and all my supplications to the doctor to ease his pain fell on deaf ears. But when my dad finally died I was surprised to find that I felt absolutely nothing. Nothing. I knew then that any hopes of a relationship with him that I had clung to, had left the station years before.
I was an irritant in his life. As a child he saw me as ridiculous, dramatic and complicated. He told me over and over again that I was just "too godammed sensitive". I was just me. It's taken me many years to realize that there is no penalty in that.
In a spiritual sense I have come to a place of peace about my relationship with him. I realized one day that if we all get a life review when we cross over, and I believe we do, then he is now aware of all that I am, and all that could have been with us. I believe that I chose him as my father during this lifetime in order to do the work that I needed to do. I believe he taught me lessons that I am still uncovering. The pain and longing for his love and approval are still unquenched. How can a child reconcile the rebuff of their own father? But we grow older and we know that life isn't black or white, and that people are flawed. My flaws will be revealed to me in all their splendor at my life review as well, and I pray that while I still have life here I will continue to express love and kindness to my best abilities. I hope in some small way also that as I care for my own children, I can break the cycle of hurt. I hope that they know deep into the marrow that I love them with everything in me. I hope they know that I am their loudest cheerleader and their softest place to fall.
I may never be famous or wealthy, and when I die I'm sure few will even notice. But if my children know how much I loved them, then I will cross over with peace. What goes around doesn't always come around, that's a myth. But sometimes we are able to heal the sins of our fathers, as our children will do for us as well.
On this father's day I honor the flawed and complex relationship I had with my father while he was here. I pray that as the years go on I will find more lessons amongst the rubble.
Where ever you are dad, I wish you peace. I wish you rest. I wish you love.