Dig this!

I love the quote:

"Don't dig your grave with your knife and your fork" It's something that you understand the minute you read it. We are all digging, but what are we digging? If we can change our behavior and change our eating habits perhaps we can dig down deep and unearth some hidden treasure in ourselves that we never knew exsisted. I would like to think that there is some hidden parts of myself that I haven't yet navigated to. Places of creativity, or places of wonder.

It's all about choices, all about believing that there is something better still to come, that makes the sacrifices worth it.

I want to stay on the planet a good while longer to be with my children and my grandchildren. I want to watch them grow, and be a participant in their lives, not an observer. I want to think that somehow I have more to contribute before I go, but what that is, I just don't know.

But for now, I keep on, toward the goal of being present in this life, making good choices, and remaining aware.

I'm digging down deep and hoping to unearth something new, how about you?

What, me worry?

Yes well, there was much discussion tonight in my weight loss support group about the fear of gaining the weight back once we've lost it. Most of us have lost weight many times, and gained it back again. Like smokers, or people prone to substance abuse, we all have our demons to wrestle. We all agreed that it takes more than changing our behaviors to make a lasting change., yet each of us admits that we aren't sure what it means for us. Here is a wonderful quote I found:


“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
August Wilson quotes (American Writer, 1945-2005)

I know I am not alone when I say I can look back at my life and see a trail of dark challenges that I somehow managed to work through. I am proud of myself, and grateful to God and my friends and family, for having made it through some very difficult and dark days. Hell, years. So I think it's worth taking stock and realizing that we have survived some tough times, and we made it! We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and if we remember that, we can forge ahead with passion and committment on this weight loss journey. It's one day at a time, and each day gets us closer to the goal.

I want to take that quote and try to use it in the coming week. I will meditate on forgiveness. Many fat people are walking wounded. We have hurts that we have never spoken of, and hurts too crushing to remember. I will see what surfaces in my thoughts and dreams, and I will forgive. I will also try to forgive myself for not making my health a priority sooner, for not caring enough about myself to commit to permanent change. This illumination can only help to clear the underbrush on the path to our own personal enlightenment.

Who do you need to forgive? Is there pain in your past or present that you can shine the light on and let go of?

Dont forget the mantra: Hell yes we can!

If Helen Keller were only here . . .

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

Today I was standing in the lobby of a professional building with a client and his three year old daughter. She was very busy opening and closing doors and I tried not to interfere but was anxiously watching her as she continued to open and close very heavy doors. As we were talking we heard a yelp and when we looked she was hunched over holding her fingers and sobbing. Her father picked her up and instead of comforting her, barked "What did I tell you? I said if you keep opening that door one of these times it's going to bite you, and it did didn't it?"
Now don't even get me started about the way he handled this incident, you don't want to hear the rant, trust me. (nothing was fractured so I didn't have to go ape shit crazy on the guy).
But the idea stuck with me today, that we often keep opening doors in our lives that are shut. We open them again, certain that this time there will be something new and different, and it never is. Doors shut for a reason. Things change, relationships change, people change. Perhaps it is time to look at my life and see what's biting me, and why I continue to open these same doors.
How does this relate to weight loss? I think it relates to finding comfort, and peace, contentment in our lives. It means surrounding yourself with people who affirm you, support you and will be a soft place to fall when life gets wobbly. It means finding meaningful work that doesn't drain your soul. It means being God to yourself in the deepest possible way.
I know this isn't a snarky, pithy or humor-filled post today. I guess I am feeling reflective. I want to have less stress in my life, and more fun. I want more peace and less conflict. I want to love myself enough to embrace my imperfections and still look in the mirror every day and see a miracle.
I want to be more aware of doors that I stand outside pounding on, that perhaps, are never meant to open. I want to accept that, and keep moving on with confidence that every single step is the right one, and the doors will open when they are meant to.
What doors are you opening? Pounding on? What's biting you?

Oh no they di-dunt!

I drive a lot for my job, and I'm not complaining, I like it. I like my job. So, I'm driving along today and I pull up at a stop sign and the car in front of me has two bumper stickers on it. One reads "Too sexy for this car" and the other reads "If a fat girl falls in the forest, do the trees laugh?" The driver didn't look overweight at all to me.
Wow. Take it in. I do believe that mocking fat people is a sport for some folks. I dated a guy once that made fun of fat people (this was in one of my thin phases) and I was too ashamed to tell him that I had been fat too. Now, I would never even finish a cup of tea with a man who would make fun of fat people, or anyone for that matter, because of how they look. There is a sense of collective shadenfreuda about watching fat people in public that some people, who have clearly never been fat, have a field day with.
Now before some of you start with the debate about how fat isn't a disease, let me say that I agree. I think there are few people who have an actual disease whereby they eat almost nothing and still get fat. Those of us who have battled our weight issues if we are honest can admit that we make excuses a lot. We use food to cope with issues that should be addressed in better ways. But can I just say this, others use substances like Coke, Oxycontin, Cigarettes, booze, and still stay thin, so no one is judging them. The focus is purely on looks.
I remember an actual survey of men in G.Q. magazine last year where men that were surveyed stated that they would rather date a woman with a facial disfigurement or a woman with a sexually transmitted disease before dating a woman who is overweight. That's a very interesting study. And sad.
I know that I am a more compassionate person because I've been fat. Right now my weight is pretty stable, not quite to my goal weight, but I no longer consider myself fat. But I know what it feels like to be laughed at, and mocked. I will post some of those at another time.

If a fat woman falls in the forest do the trees laugh? You tell me.

Get thee behind me Chocolate!

Okay, I met the devil today at Rite Aid Drug Store. I was walking through the store with a Diet Coke in hand mind you, when my eye was pulled over to a bright coupon. "Chocolate Covered Hazelnuts-half off". I will spare you the sordid details, but Hazelnuts and I go way back, and it ain't pretty. We spent many a secluded night together, alone in my room. The shame after our clandestine meetings was untennable. So, I took a long hard look at Chocolate Covered Hazelnuts, and decided "No more". Why put myself through the same attraction, love fest, then rejection cycle that we always go through? Why do the dance of desire when it ends with a belly full of regret? So I dragged my hungry ass up to the counter with a pack of sugarless gum and a Diet Coke, and I looked back for a moment and allowed myself just a few moments to remember, then I walked out vowing to make better choices for my vices in the future. I chewed an entire pack of sugarless gum today, along with three entire stalks of celery and my jaw actually hurts. I chugged three diet cokes and I am filled with H2O.
Another day, another wrestling match. This time I won. Ding Ding.
Hell yes I can!

And the award goes to . . . .

Okay so tonight the academy awards will be on and I will be lapping at the pool of celebrity holy water like every other movie geek. But it made me think about awards in general..... and I think there should be way more of them. Today I am giving myself an award for giving a baby shower that included preparing a meal and serving it, along with a delicious strawberry filled layer cake, and I had only vegetables. The reporters should all be gathered outside my house right now, waiting for the opportunity to ask me questions like: "How did you do it? How did you pass up the potato salad, party mints, silver dollar sandwiches, and most of all, that fabulous cake?" I would try to share my "method" if you will, it's easy really. I drank about nine glasses of water or diet soda. My bladder was distended and my tongue was singed from the caffeine, but HEY, I did it! Or how about an award for just moving my ass today? Yes folks, I marched in place while watching Tim Russert (a secret crush) disect the week in news with his fellow pundits. I didn't even slow down for commercials. Such committment! Such dedication to form!
You get my drift? We need a piece of this Oscar action. We need to congratulate ourselves at every turn because no one else will! This whole weight loss thing is hard, really hard. It's an hour to hour struggle some days and today, so far, I am winning.
Someone commented on my weight loss (fifty pounds so far) and asked if it was hard. HELL YES! is what I said. Anyone who can lose fifty pounds easily either has a parasitic infection, or a terminal illness, but this was one forkful at a time. It's been hundreds of "Step away from the vehicle" to myself while standing at the refridgerator. It's been going to bed early, hungrey. It's been negotiating with myself one meal at a time.
I like Barak Obama's inspiring slogan "Yes we can!" but I like it a little more like this:
"HELL YES, WE CAN!"
Ask yourself what awards you should be getting, I know there are some. Tell me what yours are!

Writing down the fat

Hello fellow travelers. I am writing in an effort to get to the core of my eating issues. After twelve years of therapy I was still fat and had few insights about it. Now I am undergoing weight loss with success, but I'm still terrified of gaining it back. Is it all about hidden feelings or could it be behavioral changes that need to be attended to for life? I do think that feelings drive our actions, but I will not be relegated to the status of slave to my unconscious thoughts. I do think food is some sort of compulsion for me, and I can identify feelings that I still need to work on. But these issues can be named and then what? Big deal. Name them, dress them up, give them their due. I still think about food like men think about porn. That is the truth. I fantisize about food. Maybe if I had more sex I wouldn't think about food so much huh? Hard to have sex when you are fat and can't get a frickin date!!!!! My life is changing along with my body. I am reclaiming my own body as it was, and I am adjusting. Each day is a challenge to stake my ground and go higher, reaching to the summit which is my goal weight. When I get there I will stake out a new summit which will be about fitness. I need some fellow travelers, are you with me?