The rewards

Today I participated in a 5-K race (let's be honest here, a walk) and I woke up this morning thinking about it. "No big deal" I thought, it's just a bit over three miles. I got to the park where the race was to take place and as I was being directed to park my eyes filled with tears. I'm so grateful that I am no longer carrying around all that weight. One year ago I could barely make it up a flight of stairs, today I will go home with a teeshirt and medal. Stacie and Connie met me there and we talked, took pictures, and felt the commaraderie of being with others who have gone through a similar experience. We were near the last of those to finish, but we felt great. We accomplished something that is new ground for us, and it felt good!
On the drive home I thought about how, when you meet a goal, it gives you the incentive to want to set other goals and meet them. It gives you hope. Hope is something that was in short supply when I was overweight. I was certain that I would never be able to jump that hurdle, having tried so many times before. Today I feel a bit more hopeful that I can do anything I set my mind to do, and it feels really really good.

One more reason

Today I had the pleasure of watching my ten year old grandson perform in his fourth grade musical. It felt surreal. I was wiping away tears of utter joy and enjoying the feeling that one can only feel when you are a grandmother, when I suddenly realized: This is one of the reasons I am taking care of my health. For this. For many more. To see him grow up, to see him get married, to see his children if possible. I want to be around for a while, I want to be with my children and celebrate their accomplishments, their families.

It's worth putting down the fork. It is.

Anything but that!

Oh my gawd! Lisa Marie Presley is now suing a newspaper in London for printing the most degrading, horrifying, slanderous lies ever-that she's gaining weight!!!!!! Oh no! Yes, folks it's the worst thing a person could ever say about another, and now she has hired a legal firm to go after the London Daily Mail to make them take it back.

What has the world come to when governors can pay five grand a night ( and by the way, what in God's name is this chick doing for him that would ever amount to five grand?) and the Daily Mail can go just go about willy nilly spreading viscious lies about someone like that?

Okay, here is a Kodak moment I will never forget. The year is 1989. I am sitting in my car in a parking lot waiting for a friend to come back out. The summer wind is balmy and my car windows are rolled down. I'm feeling peaceful, feeling good, when all of a sudden the kids in the car next to me lean out and yell at the top of their lungs "Hey lady, YOU'RE FAT!!!!!" I looked at them and calmly said "You think so?" and they just howled with laughter, heads thrown back and chuckles all about "Uh, YEAH!". Much hillarity ensued-in their vehicle.
My vehicle was too full of sadness and remorse to contain any hillarity.
Yep, fat hurts us. It gives people permission to berate us because there is no way to hide it.

But hire an attorney? How about use that money and pay a personal trainer yo?

Lisa Marie it turns out is pregnant, not fat. She will prevail no doubt and try to teach those paparazzi some manners. They will just run along and look for another fallen star.

We have to be our own fairy god mothers and make good things happen in our own lives. Piss on whomever is calling us fat. They are lacking a compassion that sometimes is only born out of one's own personal suffering. Karma is a nasty boomerang, God help them.

Anxiety and Eating Disorders

I just heard a really interesting fact: young girls who have problems with anxiety are twice as likely to have an eating disorder when they grow up.
I have been anxious my entire life, and each time I have tried medication for it, I've gained weight. So I control my anxiety the best I can and I have a prescription for an as needed medication when I feel a panic attack. Luckily for me I haven't had a terrible time with it. I have gone to the emergency room on two occasions, certain that I was in the midst of a heart attack and moments away from death. After thousands of dollars worth of testing, I am informed that I have anxiety. And, P.S. I'm addicted to food.
Food is a comfort, no doubt and I needed comfort as a kid growing up in a family that was less than safe. My parents, God love them, did the best they could and I do not engage in opening old wounds. But suffice it to say that I was an axious kid, and continue to struggle with my anxiety.
The factual link from anxiety to adult eating disorders is an interesting one, but honestly, if I could placate my anxieties with some tool or gadget, I would have done it by now. I've been in therapy more than once, which did help immensely.
One of the best things for me is to let go. Let go of thinking that I am in charge of protecting my entire family and all of my friends from lurking unseen danger. Let go of the "what if's" and let go of trying to control what does or does not happen to me. If I can get into that space where I truly believe that everything is divine chaos, and that life unfolds just as it should, then I can take a deep breath and relax a bit. A bit.
I aspire to find comfort in other things besides a piece of melting dark chocolate on my tongue. I would like to find comfort in the whiff of lilacs, or the feel of a velvet blanket next to my cheek.
There are no excuses about being fat, no one made me fat, only me. But it does help to have some insight. It helps to understand that when I was making chocolate pudding on the stove when I was ten years old, it wasn't just because I liked it. I was because it made me feel less anxious.
I know part of my journey is to connect more to God, or a higher power, or Mother Earth, or the Collective Unconscious-WHAT EVER- and to seek peace. I do believe that if I fill myself more with peace, there won't be as much room for anxiety.
I'm hoping also that I've created a relationship with my own children that is safe for them, and by doing so I honor that part of me that wished for safety as a child and never quite found it. I think we can heal a bit; almost vicariously when we nurture our children or our partners in ways that we never were allowed. It feels good and somehow that loving energy is relayed back to us.
Peace to all who read this.

To Maslow with love

Twice today at work in two separate conversations I was reminded of the fact that someone does not approve of me. The details of these comments are really not worth highlighting. What facinates me is my reaction to them. I ate more than I should have today, and I think there is a correlation.
I want to be at that really nice level of Maslow's self actualization chart where I feel completely at peace, all my needs are met and I don't require the approval of others. Until that happens, I need to figure out why I give two shits if people don't always like me. Alas, I am the type that ruminates over this stuff, pondering what mistakes I have made, how I could have done better, what flaws I have that need improvement. I talk a good confident game on game day, but inside I am a paper tiger.
I think a lot of people who are overweight have an overweening need for approval from others. I hate it. The need to please is deeply rooted in family structures I think. Perhaps even what sign you were born under. Bla Bla Bla, the bottom line is this: Can I learn to value myself enough, and know deep down to my core, that I am worthy no matter what anyone else says about me? I think I can. I think I want to.
One time I had a patient ask me "Why are all nurses fat? You're fat, the nurse that was on this morning was fat and all the nurses are fat!" I think the real reason is that many nurses go into the healthcare field out of some inner desire to be caretakers, when we really should be learning to take care of ourselves.
By the way, I told my patient that being fat was a requirement to work on that medical unit at the hospital. He bought it!
I'm declaring a moratoreum on ass kissing. I'm owning my wonderfulness and in the face of critisism I will own what I should, and nothing more. I will nip the ruminating in the bud and instead remind myself of all of the many good qualities I have.
I like the Woody Guthrie quote: Take it easy, but take it!

Courage

"Courage comes and goes. Hold on for the next supply". Thomas Merton

Today I didn't feel courageous. I felt a little lost, a little off, a little like an insignificant drop in the ocean. I went through my day just putting one foot in front of the other, making an attempt to do my job to the best of my ability. But the underlying feeling was that I just don't make a difference to anyone or anything. I haven't published, I'm no one's sweetheart, and I work all day and fall into bed at night with mundane thoughts spinning in my head.

Then a client emailed me and told me that something I said made a huge difference to him, and allowed him to make changes in his life that have been really positive. That made me feel good.

So maybe courage is just attempting to make a difference, even if you don't know if you ever hit the mark. Maybe it's shutting off the alarm when all you really want to do is roll over and sleep. Maybe it's being a little bit kinder to the bagger at the grocery store, or smiling at the bank teller who looks like she could use one. Maybe it's saying no to the donut that is winking at you on the counter, and saying yes to good health and long life.

I'm not famous and I'm nobody's sweetheart, but I do believe that when we feel like we have lost our courage, if we just hold on, more will come.

Step away from the refrigerator

That's it in a nutshell. I just need to step away and do something different. I tried a new tea today and it's fabulous: Tahitian Vanilla Hazelnut made by Yogi Tea. It needs a little Splenda, but there is nothing but herbs in it, but it is heavenly!

It's all about creating new patterns, finding new ways to find comfort, and making friends with exercise. Change is possible and I am embracing it to the best of my ability.

I'm trying, I'm really trying.